Friday, May 31, 2013

It's About That Time...

I've been putting off this post.  Dreading it, really.  As I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't been around much, and by much, I mean in  like well over 6 months.  And as I got further and further behind, it was just easier to put this off.  This post where I basically spill my guts.  But I can't put it off any longer, so here goes.

I love blogging, not that you could tell from my serious lack of posts or presence in these past months, but I really do.  It's given me a great creative outlet and allowed me to connect with some amazing people {yes, if you are reading this, that includes you.}  But a lot, and I do mean A LOT, has changed in my world since I started this blog.  Two moves cross country, starting back to school to finish my degree, another wee one, being essentially a single mom for the last 3 years, and my Etsy business growing in ways I never imagined-all of this has pulled me in different directions.  Since becoming a mom, I've had a hard time balancing life and making sure that the important things always stay at the top of the list.  I admittedly have not always done a great job of that.  It's a major reason why I've let the blog go as I have.  I got overwhelmed.  I really don't know how all the mommy bloggers of more than one small child do it and manage to get dinner on the table and the laundry done.  It's also gotten to that point where every time I sit down to write a post, I find myself at a loss for what to write, then I feel like I'm forcing myself to write something just for the sake of having something to post, which I never wanted for this blog.  I feel like most of the time, my efforts are in vain.  I could be blogging just as long as someone else, with the same quality posts and pictures and whatnot, making the same effort to market and get my name out there and be a quarter as successful.  So, often times, I feel like I'm making a lot of effort, taking time away from the things that matter, the things that need my attention, for nothing.  

Then there is my ever-present self-esteem issues.  A big part of blogging is putting yourself out there for people to judge and that makes you a little vulnerable.  And I'm not always good with vulnerable, or with feeling like I'm not good enough.  There are several things I know to be fact in this life: I love my husband and children more than I ever thought humanly possible, I have been immensely blessed by a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can fathom and whom I love greatly, the laundry is never really done and I am just your average girl.  There is nothing that stands out or is special about me.  I'll never be the maid of honor or even a bridesmaid at anyone's wedding.  My face and name are quickly forgotten, even by people I see on a regular basis.  I have several people, aside from my husband, whom I consider my best friends, but I am no one's best friend.  I'm not really great at anything, just mediocre at a lot of things.  I'll never be the favorite aunt or sister-in-law or whatever.  I'll never be that person that other people say, "Oh, you get to hang out with ________, you are so lucky!" about.  I've watched my friends make real efforts to stay close to the people in their lives that they don't get to see everyday, I am not one of those people that is worth the effort.  These are things I've come to accept about myself.  They do get me down sometimes; I recently attended the wedding of the one person I've considered my best friend for longer than I can remember.  She was my maid of honor in my wedding, I wasn't anything besides just another guest at hers.  I won't say that it didn't hurt a little.  But it's just how things are.  Now, this is not a cry for attention or praise.  It just is what it is.  

How all of my ramblings relate to my blogging absence is this: first, I need to get better at managing my time. I'm still in school full-time and have two children 4 and under running around at home.  I have my business that I so desperately want to grow.  Second, I need to find that spark that I had when I first starting blogging.  I need to feel inspired again.  So I'm officially taking a break from blogging.  I don't know for how long, and I don't know if it will be permanent or not.  I just feel like I need time to take a step back, take a deep breath and really evaluate the things in my life and see where they fit, if they even still do.

For now, this isn't good-bye, just a "See you later."  I hope to be back {for reals} soon and I love you all for being patient and supportive and awesome.

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